SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Never eat opened candy. Or unopened candy. Or any candy. Eat kale instead, or Acai. Superfoods, they’re amazing.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Spooky scary skeletons are everywhere! Seriously, everywhere. Please stop revining videos with that song. Please.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Three witches who told you would be the next ASB president weren’t lying. Get working now, whatever it takes. Trust us, you will be the president.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Here’s an idea for pumpkin carving! Dr. Stephany. Just carve an image of Dr. Stephany into a pumpkin.
ARIES (March 21-Apr. 19)
ALL IBOSS AND NO YOUTUBE MAKES SCHOOL LAPTOPS NOT FUN. ALL IBOSS AND NO YOUTUBE MAKES SCHOOL LAPTOPS NO FUN.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
Flavor of the Month: Pumpkin Spiced You’re Disappointing Your Parents
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Hiding in your bushes and scaring small children is finally socially acceptable! Only for one night, though. Don’t get caught doing it in the middle of November.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Need a Halloween costume? Dress up like Flo from Progressive. One thing though, no one will invite you over.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Little-known fact: The Spice Girls had a sixth member who had to leave the group. She was named Pumpkin.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you chant Mr. Hermanson’s name three times in a row while petting a cat, he will stop whatever he is doing and stare blankly into the distance, whispering “Why?”
LIBRA (Sep 22-Oct 22)
Rumor has it the creepy house down the street is giving free donuts BEFORE Halloween night! Pretty cool! Go alone though, no parents allowed. Their rules, not ours.