SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The song “Spooky Scary Skeletons,” like the skeletons themselves, will never die. Disregard anyone who says otherwise.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you’re still thinking of a perfect Halloween costume, outshine everyone: just go bare. You don’t need a costume.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Tired of knee pain? Break every single bone in your body. Bonus: you’re a squid now!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Keep in mind that scaring people is only fun when they’re alive. Be careful this year; wouldn’t want another repeat of last year’s disaster.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s a time for creepy festivities, but don’t forget about the real issues, Pisces. Snow leopards are highly endangered. Be aware.

ARIES (March 21-Apr. 19)
The ghostly black cat you saw this morning was not a black cat. It was a caramel-colored Shetland Sheepdog named Amy. Get your eyes checked, Aries.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are about to be repaid justly for your actions. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Probably bad, seeing as how there’s a distinct dark cloud following close behind you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Look at yourself, Gemini. Look what you’ve done. It’s a disgrace. Someone could have eaten those.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Forever looking like a child seems like a bad thing until Halloween comes around. Now is the time to reap the spoils.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
The hair color you’re thinking of trying isn’t right for you. But really, none of them are. You’re meant to be bald. Give that a shot.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Stay away from Pisces this month. They might try to eat you. This is a tempting season for them.

LIBRA (Sep 22-Oct 22)
Throw everyone a fast one and hand out turkey legs and candy canes on Halloween. Be the master of all holidays.