LIBRA (Sep 22-Oct 22)
Welcome back/Happy Birthday! Hope your birthday gifts included pencils, notebooks, and an artsy Toshiba laptop sleeve! It’s your parents’ way of preparing you for the “real world.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Homecoming proposal idea: Do it through Craigslist. That way if she says no, you may get a better offer. Either way, someone’s going to say yes. Trust us, she’ll love it!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The Allstate guy stands on water’s edge. He stares blankly to the horizon. “Am I in good hands?” he whispers.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Advice for Freshman: Constantly ask your teachers when recess is. Stick to what middle school taught you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you need a friend, don’t look to a stranger; you know in the end, [Guy Fieri] will always be there.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
There’s nothing wrong with being a little different, even if that means you prefer Taco Bell over Del Taco. Actually, no, that’s not OK.
ARIES (March 21-Apr. 19)
Fall is the season to make new friends. Walk up to a group of kids you don’t know and shout “My name is-” and then say your name. It will get you tons of homies.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
Bored? Don’t resort to Netflix. Go to a tall building and get in the elevator. Every time someone gets off, whisper “He’s on the move.” Loads of entertainment.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
If you order a “Fetty Whopper” with a side of “Glau”-camole at Burger King, the cashier will shout “Squaw!” and give you free chicken fries.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
The sun’s alignment with Saturn guarantees good tidings this month. Be open to any opportunities, especially those involving wild animals. Specifically coyotes. Basically, go pet a coyote.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Life is short, don’t waste your time sleeping. Seriously, don’t sleep. Sleep is for the weak. Constant sleep deprivation will make you stronger for the attack.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you wear an ugly shirt on a date, the ghost of Tim Gunn will haunt you in your sleep with images of fanny packs and pooka shell necklaces.